Jaysen's Wild Romance
by Psalm 136
Summary: Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa is a Gary Stu. He goes to Middle Earth. He falls in love and everyone falls in love with him. He goes with the Fellowship. Gagworthy things occur.
1. Jaysen's Worst Day

_THIS IS A PARODY. I AM GOING TO FOR THE WORST STORY IMAGINABLE. Please keep that in mind as you endure this stupidity. Thank you and have a great day. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Only Jaysen is mine. Various credits go to FFoHH.Member.No.3 and Nate._

_Thanks to my betas- Coaltrain and FFoHH.Member.No.3_

If you took one good look at Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa, you would think that he was an incredibly good looking, but androgynous sex machine.Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa had long locks of curly black hair, sunkissed olive skin, and stunning stirring cerulean whirlpool eyes. Broad shoulders, washboard abs, and a big ass made Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa's appearance rival top supermodel Gisele Bundchen.Of course, he wasn't just good looks, but that was a large part of him. He was also smart. Very smart. He took his SATs two years early and had gotten a perfect 2400. And maybe it was the innocence in his eyes that truly attracted people to him.

His normal attire was the ever-popular Ecko clothing, for he was the only white boy accepted in the gangs in his neighborhood. In fact, everyone loved him. His parents adored him, he had more girlfriends than he could wave a stick at, he was everyone's friend, and everyone was willing to give him whatever he asked to make him happy. Yes, he was just that awesome.

About his girlfriends, they were all in love with him. For being fifteen, he had had his share of "bedtime". And they all came back, begging for more. Yes, life was good.

It was great, even. Perfect, amazing, astounding, enchanting, flawless, high-quality, decent, enjoyable, skillful, helpful, first-class, first-rate, superior, fine, excellent, nice, beneficial and awesome.

But there came a day where Jaysen was outside, since he loved nature. It was one of his great qualities. He had a lot of great qualities. He was a gentleman, he was modest about his talents, he could sing better than Usher, the guy from Rascal Flatts and Michael Buble, he could dance, he was the best student in the state, and his parents were rich. Yes, they were rich. He had everything he wanted, but he was very sure to always give money to charity because there were kids out there who didn't have half of the things he had and he wanted to make sure they could get an iPod nano too. He was also proficient with a sword, bow, axe and pike.

But back to outside. It was a sunny day, and Jaysen was suddenly in a forest! He looked around, confused, and then a motorcycle came out of seemingly nowhere and ran him over and in his pain, he moaned and fell into unconsciousness.

He woke up hours later, his eyes fluttering open, and he was looking up into the face of a beautiful woman. She was crying. He sat up, putting a hand on her soft cheek.

"My lady, what ails you?" He asked gallantly. "It breaks my heart to see such beauty in pain."

The beautiful lady wiped her tears away. "Oh, good sir, you are awake. I feared you were dead." She stood up, and that was when Jaysen noticed he was in a different place, and no longer in the forest by his house.

He was in a white room. It was beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, attractive and arousing. He was lying on the fluffiest bed with the fluffiest pillows.

"This is a beautiful place." He looked at the beautiful woman. She was wearing a blood red dress and had the blackest hair he had ever seen. Surely, she was a beauty.

"My lady, you are a beauty. I knew I loved you before I even met you." He let out a groan, aggravating the arrow wound on his side.

The woman cried out and came to his side, yelling for healers. "Sir, you cannot die. But I beg you, what is your name?" She asked through her tears.

"I am Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa." He told her, wiping her tears away with a slender hand. "What is your name, beautiful one?"

"I am the lady Arwen of Rivendell." She told him as his shirt was taken off so the healers could begin changing the bandages of his wound.

Arwen watched them do this from the side, thinking how sexy Jaysen looked. He had chiseled muscles, and looked fitter than Aragorn could ever. And Jaysen looked so innocent and did not care what other people thought of him. He was cool, confident and amazing. He had such charisma about him. She knew she was in love.

Jaysen groaned as the linen was pulled away from his wound, and he tried to hold it in for Arwen. He knew how much this was hurting her, to see him in such pain. He took the pain bravely, biting his lip gently to remind himself to hold in his groans and moans of pain. He met Arwen's eyes and he could see she was crying. It broke his heart.

Arwen left the room, unable to watch the healers patch up her love. In the hallway, she ran into Aragorn who was looking scruffy and arrogant as usual. He leaned down to try to kiss her but she pushed him away.

"Arwen? What is it?" He asked, bored of her emotional crap.

"I no longer love you, you pig!"

Aragorn tramped off to go sulk, having been bested. He didn't take being second best very well. He went into his room to cry and write angry poetry about it before trying to be butch and wave his sword around.

Jaysen, in the meantime, with his superior hearing, was pondering this. She had a boyfriend, and yet didn't love him. He laid back in the fluffy pillows and formulated a plan. He would get Arwen's boyfriend out of the way so that there would be no doubt that it was he, Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa who loved her, and not some ugly pig who thought he was manly. Jaysen would show her. He was the best man for her. He was sure of it.

"My lord, Lord Elrond is here to see you." Jaysen blinked. Lord Elrond? From the Lord of the Rings movies? Or was he talking about Agent Smith? Either way, the tall elf guy walked in and looked intimidating.

But Jaysen was never one to be cowed. He sat up as straight as he could and looked stern. He held his chin up high and mustered up all of his poise, grace and balance that he had learnt from his many fencing classes. His cerulean eyes met Elrond's brown ones and he knew the elf was frightened of him. Perhaps not physically, but Elrond was intimidated by Jaysen's superior looks.

"Who are you?" Elrond asked, amazed.

"I am Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa." He said proudly. "What's it to you?" He asked, an eyebrow raised.

"I cannot believe it! Jaysen, my long-lost son! My half-elven son!"


	2. I'm gonna rock your body

_Here's the next chapter. You guys are great! Keep reading and reviewing._

Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa gasped in shock, though he had always suspected something was different about himself. How was he so much better-looking than everyone else when he was really just a good person? Why was he cursed to be hated by all those he could help when they were jealous of his body and of his face? He blinked away a tear at that very thought and turned his gaze back to Elrond.

"Father!" He cried, sitting up and jarring his wound. "Oh!" He groaned, leaning back as Elrond rushed to his side, giving him a pain-relieving potion. He refused it as he concentrated and his wound was healed.

He had always been talented like that. If he put his mind to it, he could heal his wounds. There had been a time when he had broken his arm and he had healed it himself, to the amazement and excitement of everyone in his neighborhood. But that life had been so hard. Teachers were so demanding, and they didn't take into account his personal pain and how much he was suffering through.

His cousins were bullies. They always made fun of him. They said his skin was ugly and green, his eyes were water-colored and that his muscles were fake. He'd even shown them his "diet pills" and they still didn't believe him. How he hated those two girls.

"My son, are you alright?" Elrond asked, fearing for Jaysen.

"I am fine." He said dramatically. "I simply… am in love." He said.

"With who?" Elrond asked, interested in his son's life.

"A beautiful lady named Arwen."

Elrond gasped. "That is my daughter!"

That hadn't stopped him from getting what he wanted before. "But father, I love her! She is beautiful!" Jaysen exclaimed. He gave his father an innocent look from his whirlpool, royal blue eyes and he caved like wet paper towels. "She's so sexy, I could do her now." He muttered underneath his breath. No matter his nobility, valiance, and gentlemanliness, he was still a guy underneath his amazing qualities.

"Alright, my son. Treat her well." Elrond said, attempting to be as stern as Jaysen had been, but failing miserably. "Come, now that you are healed."

Jaysen stood up, proud of his abilities to heal. It came in handy. He looked around at the beautiful palace and looked at his father. "So I am to be king of all of this someday?"

"Of course. This all shall be yours. You will be a wise king, I have foreseen it."

Jaysen blushed. "Father, stop flattering me." He had been about to launch into his speech about how he wasn't as great as he really was (it charmed the ladies) when some insignificant elf rushed into the room.

"My lord, the guests are here!"

"Do not bother my father, he is busy." Jaysen snapped. How inconsiderate were the elves! When the elf bowed and sputtered apologies and left, he turned to Elrond. "What guests?"

"I am having a council. The Ring has been found and it is here." When Jaysen blinked and looked confused, Elrond put his hand on his son's shoulder. "The Ring is the evil device of the evil one, Sauron, but I believe you could bear it to Mount Doom and toss it into the fire!"

Jaysen shook his head. "It is not my place." He declined the request gracefully and humbly, even though he knew he could have taken Sauron out by himself. With one look from his extremely handsome and beautiful face, he could make any ruler fall to his knees.

Jaysen ran a hand through his long, silky black locks and let the sun shine on his perfectly toned olive skin. His sparkling azure eyes fell on a beautiful blonde elleth down in the courtyard below. He bid his father a quick farewell and left the room. He found a staircase and walked down them with grace that surpassed that of the elves. It was not because of his elvish heritage, his innate elvenness came out in his intelligence and charm. The grace with which he walked came from light spirit, despite his inward pain and grief.

He entered the garden, relying on his innate sense of direction and kicked a stone to get the beautiful elleth's attention. She looked up, and her brown eyes suddenly sparkled, before she fell over, ailing from a non-fatal heart attack at the simple gorgeousness of Jaysen. He rushed over to her, sighing at the sheer repetition of this. Arwen was the only one with looks enough to match his that she would be immune to the non-fatal heart attacks all women suffered from when around him. But Jaysen was still better looking than Arwen. Despite his love for her, he knew this.

"My lady, are you ill?" He asked, gathering the elleth in his arms.

"No, but I would swear my unfailing love to you." She whispered. "I hope it is not inappropriate to say, but you are the most gorgeous, sexy, hot, attractive, handsome, beautiful, pretty, cute, and adorable man I've ever seen."

Jaysen smiled, making her swoon. "Its always appropriate to say that."

"Good." She sat up, letting Jaysen's arms remain around her. "I am Linininoperidil, my lord."

"And I am Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa, son of King Elrond."

Linininoperidil dropped into a curtsy. "Forgive my manners, my lord!"

Jaysen took her hand and raised her. "All is forgiven." He waved it off. "Now, I would like to get to know you better…"

An hour later, Jaysen left a slumbering Linininoperidil in a random closet and found a servant. "Where is my father having his council?"

"In the secret courtyard, down that left hallway and then take a right."

Jaysen headed towards the secret courtyard and took his rightful place at his father's right hand. Everyone stood up and bowed to their prince, even the smelly and ugly Aragorn and his probably-half-brothers, the dwarves. Jaysen blushed, embarrassed by this attention. He was never one to enjoy attention.

The council began.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old…" Jaysen found his mind to be wandering and his attentions divided. He thought of the beautiful Arwen and the lovely Linininoperidil. Of course, Arwen would always be the more beautiful and therefore he knew he would be spending more time with her, not that he was a shallow person, but Linininoperidil had been an excellent… closet partner. He smirked as the girl… wait! That was Legolas, he remembered… stood up to defend Aragorn's honor. Aragorn didn't deserve defense, for he made beautiful Arwen unhappy. Oh well. At least Jaysen knew he was better looking.

After the midgets joined the first midget, Elrond stood up, prepared to declare them the Fellowship when he turned to Jaysen.

"My son, Prince Jaysen, is more qualified than any for this Fellowship. Will you join, my only son?"

Jaysen stood up and knelt in front of Frodo. He felt guilty that he had daydreamed and not had a chance to say his brilliant and educated piece. He put a hand on the midget's shoulder. "Frodo, you have my wisdom, my sword, my bow, my axe, my pike and my infathomable charisma."

Frodo looked heartened at this.

"You are the Fellowship of the Ring."

"Where are we going?" One of the midgets asked.

Jaysen laughed heartily and ruffled his hair, and at the silky smooth sound of his laughter, others broke out into laughter, just at the joyous sound and the wonderful mood Jaysen was in. Truly, he was a blessing to them all.

_Jaysen's part of the Fellowship… AHH! I wonder what he's going to change. I promise the story will slow down from now. More time for insanity and Jaysen's "perfection". Don't worry, it gets worse._


	3. NC17, like, stuff

_Rapid change of language use from our… friend, Jaysen. Keep reviewing! And also, I'm so glad you guys think this is funny. I'm pathetic, though. I laugh at my own jokes, haha._

Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa left the council, feeling relatively pleased. He knew he had done a good thing, but that wasn't out of the ordinary. He was always doing a good thing. Even back in his own world, he had saved two kids from a burning building and he had discovered a piece of dinosaur bone that proved evolution was impossible. He did like doing good things. People praised his worthy name and he was put on a pedestal, where he deserved.

Jaysen found Arwen wandering around Rivendell. "Hey babe." He said, pinning her against the wall, kissing her.

"Oh, Jaysen." She giggled, flipping her blonde hair over her shoulder. He did notice her hair had changed from black to a soft golden color. "Do you like my hair? I did it for you."

He grinned wolfishly. "Hell yeah." He ran his fingers through it as they entered a conveniently located guest bedroom.

Before he knew it they were… ahem. Yes, that's right.

But of course, leather, whips and domination did not have any part in their love-making session.

A good half-hour later, they emerged from the room and Arwen's now blonde hair was mussed up. Jaysen's hair, on the other hand, was still smooth and falling into his eyes charmingly and sexily. He couldn't help it if he was just naturally sexy.

"You know, I think that was the best half-hour of my life." Arwen whispered, trailing her fingers down his chest. "Perhaps we should…" She looked back at the closed door.

Jaysen kissed her lips. "I would, but I'm tired out, girl!" He smacked her on the butt as she walked away.

She giggled and blew him a kiss. Jaysen watched her walk away, mentally undressing her, since he had just seen it. He left and walked into the library, intent on brushing up on his already impeccable vocabulary of Sindarin and Quenya words. Perhaps he would even read the history of Middle Earth while he was at it.

Nah. He didn't have time to be spending it on stupid things like reading.

He saw Boromir touching the broken sword and he snatched it from his hands. "Don't touch that! You are not worthy enough to touch the shards of… whatever." He tossed the hilt back onto the display.

Boromir bowed deeply. "You are right, my prince. Forgive me."

Jaysen rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, get over yourself." He saw Aragorn watching him. "What do you want, pansy?" He snapped, feeling quite proud of that comeback.

"Nothing." Aragorn ducked his head down to continue reading whatever it was that he was reading.

Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa grinned. If every man were like these two, then he'd have no trouble taking over Middle Earth. But no one would complain because he was just, noble, valiant, courageous, brave, daring, dashing, handsome, cute, sexy, appealing, gentlemanly, great in bed, heroic, bold, fearless, gutsy, spirited, and audacious. What more could a race of people possibly want?

Hah. He'd so be a better king than Aragorn could even dream of being.

He left the library and entered the hallways. He loved Rivendell. Every servant girl was sexy and wanted him in bed, every servant guy was afraid of him, and they were all to do his will. If he wanted two of the prettiest servant girls in his bed after dinner, he could have that.

He smiled a slow smile at the very idea.

He needed to go talk to someone.

ooo

Elrond faced Gandalf, who had come with the midgets. "Ah, melun-neen, we made a good decision."

"What do you mean, oh wise one, my King Elrond?" Gandalf asked, obviously intimidated by the elf in front of him.

"We let my half-elven son and crown prince, Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa, join the fellowship." Elrond rolled his eyes. Ancient guys were soooooo stupid.

"Ah, yes, now I remember. Thank you for refreshing my mind."

ooo

Arwen found herself looking through all of her lingerie. She had pink and fluffy things and she had black, sleek things that were actually quite pointless because she was basically naked anyway. She hummed a sexy song, "Not In Love", under her breath. She took her long, heavy dress off and put on a pair of short shorts that barely covered certain parts and a tube top and combed out her long hair and mussed it up slightly.

God, she was such a slut!

But it was so good. Maybe if she enticed Jaysen enough, they could be together for the entire night. And could do certain things.

"Oh, Arwen, you're so bad." She giggled to herself. "You shouldn't be thinking of, like, NC-17 things."

Jaysen opened the door, seeing Arwen in the tightest clothes possible. He grinned and came up behind her and pinched her tight a$$. He grinned at her, throwing her onto the bed and locking the door.

Too bad the window was wide open.

And it was worse that her room's window opened up to the public gardens of Rivendell.

Finally, after Jaysen and Arwen were finished, they invited all of the elves in the garden (there were three guys and three really cute gurls) to a group bath that turned into a night of fun. There were pillow fights, toga contests, and a whip cream bikini contest. And of course…

But I won't tell you about that, because its Jaysen's private, like, life.

But the next day was even better. It was sunny, so Jaysen and Arwen decided to go swimming together. Jaysen produced a black string bikini for her and wore his manly black trunks, so they would match. They headed down to the lake and spread out their towels underneath the sweltering sun.

"Hey, let's go swimming, sexah." Arwen backed up into the lake, diving underneath the water.

Jaysen followed her and they began splashing each other. Jaysen's hair turned slick and long, falling down to his chin. The water enhanced the look of his muscles even more, and he looked like a sex god. That's only because he was.

Its true! At that moment, Eru was thinking about making him a Valar.


	4. Jaysen's song GAG ME

_I hate myself for doing this to canon. Please don't kill me. But you CAN kill Jaysen whatshisface. If you want, after I finish this story, I'll write an epilogue about reviewers tracking down Jaysen. Hehehehe. If you want to be included, tell me how you'd kill him and I'll take the top three who made me laugh. _

Jaysen entered the Hall for dinner one night, later that week, dressed in a beautifully embroidered pink tunic. It had manly stripes of blue going down the sides. There were green designs on the hem, in the shape of dancing leprechauns. The belt he wore to keep the tunic around his lean torso and for it to fit probably around his tight abs was made out of the finest leather, with a golden buckle. On the buckle itself was inscribed: Jaysen and Arwen for, like, ever. He felt very handsome in such a tunic. But then again, when did he not feel handsome? When was he NOT handsome?

He strode right up to the head table that was on a raised dais and was separated from the others of Imladris. He took his rightful place at the right hand of King Elrond and smiled at his father.

"Jaysen, why don't you sing us a song?" Elrond suggested with a smile.

Jaysen blushed. "Oh, father…" He trailed off.

"Come on, Jaysen." Arwen whispered.

Well, Jaysen was never one to refuse a beautiful lady.

He pushed his chair back and cleared his throat and immediately, everyone was silent. They had been aching to hear his beautiful voice in song.

_From the mouths of the sea the south wind flies, from the_

_Sandhills and the stones;_

_The wailing of the gulls it bears, and at the gate it moans._

'_What news from the South, oh sighing wind, do you bring to me at eve?'_

_Now let the song begin! Let us sing together_

_Of sun, stars, moon and mist, rain and cloudy weather_

_Light on the budding leaf, dew on the feather,_

_Wind on the open hill, bells on the heather,_

_Reeds by the shady pool, lilies on the water_

_I had an errand there; gathering water-lilies,_

_Green leaves and lilies white to please my pretty lady._

Jaysen paused for a moment and winked at Arwen. The elves in the hall burst into applause at the romantic gesture among their young.

_And now here is where the story ends,_

_My friends._

_But gotta say, gotta let it out, gotta let the world know_

_I love that pretty, sexy lady right there in the front row_

_So baby won't you be MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE?_

Jaysen jumped over the table, landing on his feet, of course, and pulled Arwen into a kiss. It just wasn't a normal kiss either. It was a Kiss. Tongue and all. Needless to say, she was a little hot and bothered when he let her sit down once more. The elves burst into applause and he glanced over at Aragorn and Legolas who were sitting together.

"That was… beautiful." Legolas sniffed, using his sleeve to wipe his tears of complete joy away.

Aragorn handed him a tissue. "It was." He turned his head away, but Jaysen knew he was crying.

He gave a small cackle, but decided to befriend the elf and the human. He would be traveling for a while with them and it would impress Arwen that he was being nice to her ex. Except he didn't think she cared by the haphazard manner in which she was wearing her top. If he was correct, which he was, if they didn't leave, it would fall off in front of everyone. But he knew he had to be a gentleman around her if he was to get the honor of marrying her. He would have to be chaste and pure, which he was strive to do. He loved her that much, to put his own personal pleasure second and her honor first. That was what he had strived to do since they met.

"Jaysen… can we go?" Arwen asked, pressing herself against Jaysen. "I mean… that was so…"

"Made you want to go to bed?" Jaysen grinned, but his face fell. "We cannot."

"Why?" She asked, taking his hand.

"Because it would not be right. I wish to marry you, Arwen!" He cried passionately. "And I will do anything to win that right." He heard a snort of discontent from Aragorn and rounded upon him. "What are you snorting about?"

"Because I should be the one to marry her!" Aragorn yelled.

"Why? So you can make her miserable? I'm the one who makes her feel like a goddess." Jaysen flipped his hair out of his eyes.

"You may make her feel that way, but I'm the one who believes she IS a goddess. You are filth!"

Elrond stood up and banged on the table. "ENOUGH!" He shouted. "Aragorn, you are here only because you are with the Fellowship. Jaysen is my son, and therefore prince. You will treat him with respect." He demanded.

Aragorn was not cowed by Elrond's demands, but he was cowed by the stern look on Jaysen's face. He nodded and left the room quickly to save his own pride. Frodo, one of the midgets, looked worried when Aragorn walked out. He met Jaysen's gaze and because the prince could read a person's thoughts when the fancy struck him, he walked over.

"Hey Frodo. What's up?" Jaysen asked in a cheery mood. Frodo found his own mood to be lifted at the smile of Jaysen.

"I was merely worried… but now, I can't remember why." Frodo's big blue eyes sparkled with happiness. "I am glad you are coming. It lifts a great burden from my shoulders."

Jaysen blushed, nodding. "It is the least I can do for you. You are too young to have to bear this burden alone."

The midget smiled, nodding. "Yes, and I thank you."

"You are very welcome." Jaysen stood up. "I must leave you now." He bowed slightly.

Pippin raised his glass of elven wine. "Sure you won't stay for a pint?" He asked, his mischievous eyes twinkling.

Jaysen looked at the hopeful faces of the midgets and sighed. "Alright, alright." They cheered excitedly.

Jaysen sat down in their midst and took a plate of fruit. He would have had some of the meat or drink, but it wasn't healthy. He didn't believe in getting drunk because you did stupid things and in Middle Earth, he didn't want to do a stupid thing for it would dishonor his father. And that, he didn't want to do. And he didn't eat the meat or even the bread because there was so much fat in meat and carbs were bad for him to eat. He did have to keep his figure, after all. He wouldn't let all those years of being the best football quarterback in the state go to waste!


	5. All But Jaysen

_Let it be known that Slayer3 is my hero. Haha. Well, I'm back, sorry it took so long. I meant to write another chapter, but I just hated doing this to the beloved characters._

A week later, it was time to leave. Jaysen sat on his bed, watching all the lovely elf girls bend over and pack his things. He knew he had to be prepared, for he knew the storyline. He was an incredibly intelligent boy, and he didn't need to read the books or watch the movies to know what the story was about. He thought Tolkin did a terrible job describing the characters and writing the dialogue, and the movies were complete and utter crap. But that was his humble opinion.

Jaysen strapped his massive sword to his side. It was a mixture of steel, mithril and gold, fitting for a prince. The hilt was covered with leather to protect his lovely, slender, though manly hands, and on the blade itself was written "The prince of ALL. Bow to his power!". He grinned as he read the words that he had inscribed himself.

"My lord," A sexy elf girl came up to him. "Have you named your sword? Its so sexy."

Jaysen grinned. "Heck yeah it is." He looked at the blade. "I have named it… Awesomeness, which in my own language means undefeatable." He chuckled on the inside. These ignorant elves didn't know English, and it was well he was fluent in elfish Quenya or he would have no chance of communicating.

"That's hot." The sexy elf girl put a hand on her hip, letting it jut out. "You know, we could like… hook up or like, something." She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder.

Jaysen smirked and kissed her teasingly. "When I get back, sexy."

The gurl giggled and turned around, walking out with her servant friends. He moved quickly and smacked her ass soundly, making her shriek with giggles. He smirked and winked at her, and then pulled on his shirt.

Jaysen wore a dark green shirt with a circular collar. It went down to cover his biceps on the sleeves and it was just slightly tight to keep the ladies interested. The shirt hugged his torso, giving a hint of his washboard abs that he hadn't even had to do crunches for. Right over his chest, in curly white font, it read "Death is Not Welcome Here". The pants he wore were almost black jeans, more of a dark, dark blue. He wore no belt so the waist slipped down to his hips. There was one rip, right across his left knee from when some punk thought it would be funny to try and tackle him. From behind. Jaysen didn't condone such dishonorable actions. His shoes had DC boldly written on the side, and they were only slightly scuffed from playing so much basketball. After a while, he did get tired of the winning and the glory.

He ran a hand through his perfectly mussed up black curls and walked out of his room via the secret passageway that led right outside where they were gathering to leave. He saw the blonde prince Legolas (who was probably gay) speaking with Arwin.

"Hey, gay boy! Away from my property!" Jaysen yelled, shoving Legolas away. The frightened elf fell to the ground and curled up in despair. "Sorry about him, sugar muffin."

"Its alright, he's no where near as hot as u!" Arwin giggled. "I'll see you later, pumpkin!"

"See ya sexy thang." He grinned and brought her close and kissed her passionately, fervently, fierily, ardently, zealously, avidly, obsessively, fanatically, adoringly, lovingly, keenly, eagerly, enthusiastically, impassionedly, burningly and hotly.

Arwin giggled again and whispered against his adoring lips, "I love you."

Jaysen grinned. Another one snared. But in honesty, he did love her also. And he told her so. "I do love you also."

Arwin spotted Aragorn watching them angrily. "Hey Aragorin, we're so over, so just like, back off." She snapped at him, actually snapping three times in a Z formation. "Jaysen is way better in the sack than you."

"Arwen, we never… engaged in such relations. I deemed you more… beautiful than that." Aragorn said truthfully. Though Arwen was blonde and now acting strangely and sleeping with this poor excuse for a human, he still loved her. He saw glimpses of the Arwen he fell in love with when Jaysen was with Elrond and she was sitting by a window, and she still managed to captivate all of him. But now… he didn't know who she was.

"Well, aren't you a wuss?" Jaysen quipped, and everyone in the general vicinity laughed.

Aragorn looked very put out, and Jaysen laughed again, his wonderful laughter ringing out and lifting the hearts of all who heard.

"Okay, everyone!" Elrond stood up, somehow having a microphone. "Hey what's up everyone?" He beamed. "Now, the Fellowship is leaving, led by my wonderful son Prince Jaysen, and so, have fun and kick some Orc ass for me!"

Cheers rang out from every elf present.

Jaysen blushed. "Goodbye father."

"Which way, Jaysen?" Frodo whispered quietly.

"Left." The knowledgeable boy whispered back.

Aragorn waited for the rest of the Fellowship to leave and then watched Arwen. Her golden hair was falling past her shoulders, and she was wearing the most revealing clothes, but for a moment, he swore he could see the old Arwen in her eyes. He looked away and followed after Gimli.

Jaysen grinned broadly as some elf rushed to him with his horse, Dude. Jaysen mounted Dude and let the war stallion walk at a steady pace as he offered Gandalf some of his immeasurable wisdom that he had been born with. He let the sun reflect off of his hair and he looked up at the sky that nearly matched his more brilliant cerulean eyes and he swore to Eru that Legolas was suddenly attracted to him. He had that ability to read other's minds and could detect even an elf's emotions without even looking at the elf. He was just so good like that, but he would never say THAT aloud. Yes, modesty was the key to all successes, whether noted by men or locked within one's own heart.

Jaysen, turning to the hobbits, got them started on a rousing walking tune, to which even Boromir, the prissy git, would hum along. But Jaysen, being the wonderful person he really was, didn't comment on the fact Boromir should never sing nor hum. He feared what Faramir would be like if his brother was so crude. But either way, he hated all of the men in the Fellowship because even the stupid little midgets somehow managed to charm a girl's heart. Haha, he was there to change that. The stupid little midgets would remain stupid and little, Aragorn would be seen as the stupid, incapable virgin he was, and the others… well. Jaysen was better than all of them. He didn't –need- to say how they would remain. They were all unattractive anyway.

He urged Dude backwards and leaned down to Aragorn. "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting." He said with a challenge in his voice.

"We shall see." Aragorn replied with a tiny smile on his face.

"Freak." Jaysen rolled his eyes and Legolas snorted.

And they headed onward to Cahhadras, and they all feared what would come. All but Jaysen.


	6. The Shoes of DOOM

_Thanks for all the quick reviews! And FFoHH.Member.No.3 needs to shut up because I'm PURPOSEFULLY misspelling the names. But I mean that lovingly. 3 Also, some of the ideas in this chapter are FFoHH.Member.No.3's because she's funnier than me._

It was late afternoon when they finally slowed to a halt. Jaysen looked over the others with slight disdain, save for the midgets. How could they be exhausted? They hadn't even traveled for an entire day yet! He dismounted from Dude and sheathed Awesomeness, before walking over to where Sam had started a fire to begin cooking their midday meal. He gracefully sat down beside the midget and opened up his pack, handing the midget random spices and instructed him in how to use them so the food would taste better and leave you feeling fuller for longer.

"Oh, thank you so much, Mr. Jaysen!" Sam gushed.

Jaysen smiled serenely. "Mary, Pippin!" He called the two eager midgets over.

They sat at his feet, looking up into his face with extreme interest. Whenever Jaysen wanted to talk to them, it made them feel very important because Jaysen was an important person whom EVERYONE loved. Just to be near him was an honor, let alone breathe the same air he was.

"Yes Jaysen?" They asked in unison, alike in their expressions of awe.

"I have gifts for you."

Mary and Pippin got up and began to dance happily until Gandalf rebuked them.

"Ah, leave them alone, geezer."

The Fellowship roared with laughter at Jaysen's wonderful wit.

"What did you get us!" Pippin asked excitedly.

Jaysen opened up his pack and pulled out two pairs of periwinkle shoes. They were made out of velvet, but looked like the DC shoes he was wearing, except perfectly tailored to suit the midgets' little feet. He, of course, had two pairs of turquoise/cyan shoes for Frodo and Sam, but they were busy talking. He helped Mary and Pippin put the shoes on and tied their laces for them, since they were too young to do it by themselves. He admired his handiwork and then talked them through how to tie a double knot. After their education, Mary and Pippin were able to tie their own shoes and beamed happily at him. They both gave him exuberant hugs, for he deserved their love so much, and then went off to show Boromir.

"Hello Jaysen." Legolas inclined his head to the prince of ALL as he sat down. "I would like to apologize for my involvement with Aragorn. He's stupid, and I totally don't need him around, you know?"

Jaysen held in a chuckle, since he was truly a wonderful person. Legolas sounded gay. The prince of Riverdale froze. Legolas was gay and was only talking to him because he had a crush on him! Jaysen looked up into Legolas' blue eyes and saw attraction there. A small smirk curled onto his lips.

"That's alright." He nodded. "I forgive you."

Legolas fell to his knees. "Oh, thank you Jaysen! I could not live without your forgiveness and the knowledge that you do not hold it against me!" He cried out passionately.

Jaysen stood up and raised Legolas, keeping a hold on the prince's feminine hand. He looked straight into the elf's eyes, looking for a lie. He could always tell if someone was lying. It was one of his many gifts. It was especially handy when he wanted to know if some guy had a thing for one of his girls, or if one of his girls needed to be dumped because they had their greedy little eyes on some other guy. In his opinion, those he went out with needed to basically worship him and his body. But Legolas wasn't lying. He genuinely wanted Jaysen.

Too bad he only liked the cutest, sexiest and hottest gurls around. Like Arwein.

"Sorry, queer, you're not my type. Get a chest and become a girl and then we'll talk." Jaysen rejected him firmly, to the amusement of Boromir. "You queer too?" He rounded on the man from Gonedore.

"Oh, no, good prince. I am faithful only to Gonedore." Boromir swore.

"Good." He spat. "I don't need more of you creeps feeling me up when I'm asleep." He shuddered at the thought. That was HIS job. Well, back home it was. Here, he'd keep to his dreams. He had good dreams about hot girls like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie because even those girls weren't hot enough for him, but they did everything in their power to get to that point. But he was a forgiving person, and very open to new people, so he would accept them and let them prove their worth.

God, his life had been good.

Thinking over his old life, he excused himself, keeping his dignity and composure until he was well into the forest. He knew he was safe there for he was very much in touch with nature and animals. Nothing would harm him.

"Oh me, oh my!" He lamented. "I miss my old life! I miss my parents! I miss my Lambourgini Diablo in both red and blue! The cute private mansion my parents bought for me! The Olympic sized swimming pool! My three new Razr phones!" Jaysen tried so hard not to cry, but the tears fell down his shapely face despite his wishes. No one could know how much pain he was in! He whipped out his handy-dandy feeling journal and started to write down all of his hurts and frustrations. He couldn't go on one more day without his fifty-two inch television! He was sure of it! He fell to the forest floor, his body trembling in the most adorable fashion. He turned onto his back and looked up at the green leaves.

He heard a small nicker, and he stood up. "Oh, Dude. If only we could go home! I know you miss Dudette and Paris… and I bet Hawtie misses you." He smiled sadly at his valiant steed. "You and me, we're not too different. Oh, I want to go home!" He cried, leaning on his horse for comfort, burying his face into Dude's mane.

Dude nickered and licked his master's face, feeling immense love for this hurting boy. He had seen Jaysen grow up from a small boy and knew how terrible his life really was. His parents were never there and when they were, he'd get beaten for the smallest mistakes! The children in the neighborhood called him a 'steriod-addicted plastic surgery monstrosity'. They just couldn't see the beauty that was inherently Jaysen! He was a beautiful person, but he was so self-conscious and scared. He wrote the most beautiful poems in the world, but he would not show them to a soul. He was so conscious of his body and couldn't stand to even take his shirt off in public, afraid people would make fun of him.

Indeed, Jaysen truly needed to be on the Fellowship. He needed to save Middle-Earth, for if he did not, there would be no way Middle-Earth could save its most beautiful and handsome inhabitant.


	7. Legolas' Interlude and other things

_Just wanted to thank Cowgirl4Christ again for keeping me accountable. To clear up any confusion, I don't condone slash- I'm merely making fun of the fake Jaysen thinks he's so hot that anyone, no matter their gender/normal preferences, would like him. Oh, and keep those ways-to-kill-Jaysen coming!_

_Okay, this chapter is called Legolas' Interlude (And Many Other Things). Be prepared for schizophrenic discussions with one's self._

Hello. My name is Legolas Thranduilion. I'm an uncountable amount of years old and am a blonde elf from Mirkwood. I have been sent on a quest with nine others to destroy the Ring of Power. Among my companions are a wizard, a dwarf, four hobbits, two men and Jaysen. I dislike only the dwarf and Jaysen.

Oh, dear me, what am I speaking of? I love Jaysen! Of course, not in an icky way, but who couldn't find him most charming? He is most lovely, full of laughter and happiness, though my senses tell me there is something much deeper and broken inside of him. But nonetheless, he is always willing to give of himself to aid someone else. Did you see how he gave the hobbits such wonderful shoes? None but the wonderfulness that is Jaysen would be so thoughtful.

No, I truly don't feel that way. I don't know what comes over me when he's around. A glazed look comes over my face and then I feel like total orc feces when he walks away and I am completely drained after a conversation, no matter how short, with Jaysen. I have found myself displaying emotion as humans do and it is irking me.

But Jaysen says that showing your true emotions is a good thing! I shall continue.

I don't think so.

Oh, no matter, I shall!

000

Legolas shook his head and blinked, looking at the ground. He had no idea of what was going on anymore. It did not bode well in his heart, for they were coming closer to Cahadhras and he was becoming ever alert. He let out a sigh.

"Mellon nin?" Aragorn asked, coming up behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "What ails you?"

"Nothing of importance at this time. I shall tell you later." He whispered quickly before Jaysen approached them and engaged Aragorn in conversation.

000

My heart is troubled at seeing the look of confusion and slight pain in Legolas' eyes. He tells me nothing is wrong, but I do not believe him. That has always been his lie when he wants to conceal something from me 'until the right time'. Stubborn elves.

Ah! There is Jaysen! I do not like him at all. He dared to steal my lady, though he insists that he deserves her. Truly, how can anyone deserve the beautiful Arwen Undomiel. But Jaysen does deserve her more than me.

Wait! What is coming over me? Arwen loved me first, and my love is as pure as the driven snow for her! I am traveling across Orc-infested lands to marry her, and Jaysen believes that he, some foreigner, can simply swoop in, put a spell on her and she is his! Nay, I shall fight to the end for her! I love her, no matter what the color of her hair or how she talks or dresses. Ever since that fateful date, sixty-seven years ago, I have loved her, and this transformation will not deter my ardor for her.

000

Jaysen sighed as he looked up at the sky. It was a beautiful day. The sky was blue, the grass was green and Dude was moving gracefully underneath him as he galloped forward to scout over the land. Yes, he was delegated the most important jobs because he was the only reliable one for them. He was armed to the teeth, skilled in every area of well… haha, everything!

But Legolas was tagging along, hoping to learn some skills from the almighty Jaysen. He was so inexperienced he was almost tripping over his feet, trying to keep up with his mentor. Jaysen was going at a reasonable pace, but the elf was panting heavily.

"Legolas, would you like to ride? You look tired." He said compassionately, while inwardly thinking 'WIMP!'.

"Oh, yes, please, thank you!" Legolas gushed, leaping up onto the barebacked horse. "But there is no saddle."

"I think they are unnecessarily cruel." Jaysen snapped. "Why would you strap something heavy and large to a beast so calm and beautiful?"

Legolas bowed his head. "I do not know, forgive my foolishness."

The rest of the Fellowship caught up with them, smiles adorning their faces when they saw Jaysen. While Jaysen was not tired, they deemed it best to take a rest on some rocks in the sun before traveling again.

Boromir, Merry and Pippin were practicing their sword fighting; Legolas was practicing his scouting while the others ate the delicious food Jaysen made. Jaysen slowly ate one of the delicious French rolls he had made using nearly nothing at all (okay, he had used flour, water and his special ingredient) while he watched Boromir teach the midgets.

"Boromir, you should move your feet more often and strike quicker. Merry, my friend, hold your sword like you mean it! Pippin, you're doing great, young one." He called out.

"Oh, my thanks!" Boromir said with a nod.

Merry gripped his sword tighter.

Pippin beamed at the praise.

Jaysen grinned in return before his great hearing picked something up. "Everyone hide!"

"Why?" Legolas asked, his blue eyes big and innocent.

"Just DO IT!" He snapped and threw himself under a rock, shielding Frodo with his body.

The Fellowship waited with baited breath for ten minutes until ugly crows cawed as they flew by. They all let out a sigh when they finally all passed and crawled out. Frodo clung for Jaysen, still frightened and traumatized by the event.

"My thanks Jaysen, none of us could have detected it." Gandalf said with a grateful smile.

Jaysen blushed adorably. "It is the least I could do." He said modestly. That truly was one of his best features, his modesty, despite the fact he was just naturally better than everyone else.

Aragorn looked around, his dark eyes scanning the horizon. "Where to now, Gandalf?" He asked, his hand on his sword.

Gandalf plopped down onto a rock. "I do not know, my friend." He said sadly.

The Fellowship fell silent.

"Jaysen?" All eyes turned to the handsome boy.

Jaysen looked up, surprised. "We must go… to Cahadhras." He almost slipped and said Moria, but he wanted a chance to prove just how much better than Aragorn he truly was. What better way to do than run on snow quicker than Legolas?

Oh, yeah, he could do that too.

He was just good like that.


	8. Cahadhras and Moria, oh my!

_This chapter is dedicated to Slayer3 because she's going to Indonesia to help out there. And because she was very nice and asked me for one, and because I always love her reviews. So there's a big, fat hint. You review, I update. That way, we both win!_

Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa wrapped his cloak loosely around his shoulders as they walked through the deep snow. Or rather, the Fellowship did and he accompanied them, perched atop the snow. Not from elven grace, because he was no elf, but from years of practice. Practice meaning he would walk on snow as much as he could as a child. He had been born with that talent, but hardly let people see. They would judge him for being better than them.

He brushed a curl of his dark, sleek hair from his royal, azure eyes. He watched Legolas follow behind him, for he possessed elven grace, but when compared to Jaysen, the elf seemed to be stumbling with every second step. Jaysen turned his head to see Boromir.

"Such a little thing." Was the last sentence that came from Boromir.

"Hey!" He called. "Back off, Bori, the Ring's Frodo's. Gondor freakin' sucks, so just piss off, okay!" He snatched the chain on which the Ring was dangling.

Jaysen looked at the band of gold, not feeling a stir in his heart. Instead of being drawn to it, he was disgusted by it. "Here, Frodo." He said lovingly, and handed it back to the midget before continuing on his way.

He didn't see Aragorn's murderous look burning a hole in his back.

000

Jaysen held onto Dude's reins. "Hush, Dude, we will be fine." He whispered gently as the snow continued to swirl around them. He rubbed the horse's back and looked through the curtain of snow. His eyes were not affected by the snow hitting his face, nor did the change in temperature seemed to mar his perfect face. Nay, he remained as gorgeous as always. His cheeks were tinted with pink, only because it made him look adorable, and his hair was sexily mussed up. So, all in all, he was sexy and gorgeous and adorable.

"Jaysen!" Gandalf roared. "Where must we go? And what is that!"

"There is a fell voice on the air!" Legolas cried.

_Uh, duh!_ Jaysen thought. "We must turn back! It is SARUMAN!" With a whispered word in Quenya, he brought Dude towards the mountain. "MOVE TO THE MOUNTAIN!" He screamed so they would hear him, but not so loudly that it would harm his throat (he needed to keep his throat in good condition so he might entertain the Fellowship with his songs as the quest wore on).

The Fellowship, trusting in his great wisdom, did exactly as he said. Moments later, great boulders fell from the mountain and crushed the area where they had been standing. They let out a collective sigh, except Jaysen, who knew his great knowledge would always save them. Frodo clutched the Ring in his tiny fist and looked to Gandalf, who was looking even more haggard, old and ugly than he usually did.

"I say we do as Jaysen says. We must turn back for the mines." Frodo's small voice rose above the wind. "Thank you, my friend." He inclined his head to Jaysen.

The named simply smiled charmingly. "It is all I can do for you."

Gandalf nodded, and they turned back down the mountain.

Jaysen shuddered as they neared the Mines of Moria. He didn't like the vibe of the entire place. It was too dark and depressing! He was a happy person! So he decided to grace the Fellowship with one of his lovely songs.

_I'm doin' this tonight,_

_You're probably gonna start a fight._

_I know this can't be right._

_Hey baby come on, _

_I loved you endlessly,_

_When you weren't there for me._

_So now it's time to leave and make it alone_

_I know that I can't take no more _

_It ain't no lie_

_I wanna see you out that door_

_Baby, bye, bye, bye..._

_Bye Bye_

_Don't wanna be a fool for you_

_Just another player in your game for two_

_You may hate me but it ain't no lie,_

_Baby, bye, bye, bye..._

_Bye Bye_

_Don't really wanna make it tough,_

_I just wanna tell you that I had enough._

_It might sound crazy,_

_But it ain't no lie,_

_Baby, bye, bye, bye_

_(Oh, Oh)_

_Just hit me with the truth,_

_Now, girl you're more than welcome to._

_So give me one good reason, _

_Baby come on_

_I live for you and me, _

_And now I really come to see, _

_That life would be much better once you're gone._

_I know that I can't take no more_

_It ain't no lie,_

_I wanna see you out that door_

_Baby, bye, bye, bye..._

_Bye Bye_

_Don't wanna be a fool for you_

_Just another player in your game for two_

_You may hate me but it ain't no lie,_

_Baby Bye, bye, bye..._

_Bye Bye_

_Don't really wanna make it tough,_

_I just wanna tell you that I had enough (ooh ooh)_

_It might sound crazy,_

_But it ain't no lie,_

_Baby, bye, bye, bye_

_I'm giving up I know for sure_

_I don't wanna be the reason for your love no more_

_Bye Bye_

_I'm checkin' out_

_I'm signin' off_

_Don't wanna be the loser and I've had enough_

"Jaysen, your voice is so awesome!" Merry gushed with a bright grin as he tossed another stone into the lake.

"Thanks, Mary." Jaysen replied. "You're too kind." He added modestly.

"Nu-uh! He's right on the money!" Pippin interjected.

"Do not disturb the water." Aragorn said sharply, grabbing Mary's arm before he could throw in another stone.

"Ah, go away Gornie. Let the kids have their fun."

Pippin giggled. "Haha, Gornie!"

Jaysen grinned at his little joke. Hopefully it would stay with Aragorn forever and destroy his reputation when he was king. Jaysen almost laughed aloud, but kept his composure. No, no, Aragorn would never become king. He was too puny and girly to be a real king. Now, Jaysen, on the other hand…

He mentally waved off the thought. "Oh, Jaysen, now you're being silly." He thought as they approached the doors and Gandalf began trying many different passwords.

Now, to most, he seemed to be doing a logical thing, trying all different sorts of passwords. Not to Jaysen, who happened to be a very accomplished hacker, though he only broke into evil regime computer systems to give money to children's charities. He knew all one could know about choosing passwords to try. You had to go back and examine the source. That was the thing Gandalf wasn't doing. Jaysen sighed, bored, and leaned down to wipe all the dirt, mud and yucky stuff from his DC shoes.

Several minutes passed by, and finally, Frodo spoke up. Jaysen sighed in relief and headed towards the door, but not before pulling out Awesomeness.

"Why do you do that, master Jaysen?" Gimli asked.

"It's Prince, and because I don't think everything is as it seems, dwarf." He spat out. Now, please note, Jaysen isn't a mean person, but he knows what is coming and doesn't want to be unprepared.

Suddenly tentacles reached out and grabbed Frodo, also catching hold of Jaysen. The latter yelled out in frustration and cut himself down and let Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir save Frodo, rushing the creature himself. Sam, Mary and Pippin yelled out. They didn't want to lose Jaysen! But he would be fine, as shown by the power in his arm as he sliced the creature in two, leaving it to bleed in the water it dwelt in.

He trudged back handsomely to the group and wiped his sword, sheathing it again. "Are you alright, Jaysen?" Frodo asked breathlessly.

Jaysen smiled. "I will be fine." He intoned bravely as they entered the dark of Moria.


	9. Jaysen is our king!

_Okay! Another chapter. WOW! Almost fifty reviews! Keep 'em coming! _

_I thought you guys might want to know that I'm planning this story to be long. I know its been rather short and quick at this point, but with Moria and Lothlorien coming up, I'm planning for a lot of insanity._

Jaysen winced as they entered the deep, dark of Moria. The very smell of the skeletons seeped into his pores. Oh my goodness! He hoped he didn't get a zit that would mar his loveliness. He ran a hand over his soft, smooth skin that had an unearthly glow to it, a testament to the fact he was not normal. He looked to Legolas who looked frightened.

"Peace, Legolas. These rocks will not harm you." He whispered, putting a friendly hand on the elf's shoulder.

Legolas looked at Jaysen with gratitude shining in his eyes. "My thanks, Prince Jaysen."

Jaysen nodded to him and then looked down at the sneakers he had changed into. They were Nike and the silver swoosh even upped his sex appeal, even though there were only men around him. It did count that he was attracted to himself, right? Whether it did or not, the first woman they would come upon would swoon. Not that they didn't already, but his beauty had been long concealed from the general female populace and they were suffering without him. Perhaps with his wisdom, they would be there for less than the four days. Hopefully. He didn't want to be stuck in the dark, for his heart loved the light, the sky, the birdsong, and the trees. He already missed the fresh air, no matter how dank it was made from the reeking stone.

"OMG." Gimli said, looking around at the corpses. "OMG!" He wailed.

"Goblins were here." Jaysen said softly, his voice echoing in the caves as he felt the evil the goblins left behind caress his skin as his innate goodness rejected it. He felt slightly sick from being immersed in this cave of evil. "I do not like it here."

"Jaysen speaks truth." Legolas said, letting the arrow in his hand drop to the floor as he attempted to load his bow smoothly. Jaysen held in a snicker.

Jaysen, on the other hand, gripped Awesomeness in his hand as he looked around. Gandalf led them forward into the darkness. He let out a sigh as his great sword began to glow a hot pink color. His sword was very sensitive to evil and he was thankful he had been gifted with such a tool for his journey to banish evil from Middle Earth. He gave Aragorn a glare, for the Man was looking at his sword in a jealous manner. Jeez, the guy had his own sword! He didn't need to covet Jaysen's sword! Coveting was against the Ten Commandments and Jaysen always thought that one should be logical and moral.

"How long will it take to get through here, Jaysen?" Sam asked as they began to climb up the stairs. Literally.

Jaysen, though a very skilled climber, slowed himself to climb next to the midgets and assist them when they needed it. He shrugged. "I would say four days, unless something terrible befalls us." He was assaulted with a vision of Gandalf falling. He blinked, knowing it would happen. Would he save the wizard? Jaysen looked up at Gandalf.

Nah.

He looked at Pippin and grabbed the midget's small hands before he slipped on some stick, unmentionable substance on the stairs. He smiled at the young midget who began to climb again on his own. He smiled at Mary who was complaining of his hunger. Jaysen laughed, his mirth lightening the mood of the Fellowship. He ruffled Mary's curls and smiled again at the little midget.

"When we get to the top of the stairs, I will give you all a Power Bar." He told them.

Frodo looked confused. "What's a Power Bar?"

Jaysen grinned. "It's the best source of energy. You'll see." He promised them as they continued.

Jaysen felt a new surge of energy as they reached the top. He didn't want to stop and rest, but he knew the midgets were exhausted from the climb. He walked over to where they were sitting together and pulled four Power Bars from the pocket of his green cargo pants. He looked at the flavors: peanut butter, chocolate, cookies and cream and fruit medley. He passed them out to each of the midgets and smiled at them. Crossing his arms over his chest covered by a gray tank-top. He sat down beside Boromir.

"Forgive me, Jaysen, I was foolish." He said lowly.

"You are forgiven." He said gracefully. "You are merely human; temptation around the Ring is to be expected. I cannot fault you for what is normal." He shrugged.

"You are most wise, Prince Jaysen." The man of Gondor said.

"Oh, please." He rolled his eyes modestly.

"No, I am serious Jaysen, if I may be so casual. You have great wisdom for one of your young age. I can only imagine how your wisdom will grow as you do." Boromir looked thoughtful. "You remind me of your brother."

He reminded Boromir of Faramir? As if! Jaysen was so much cooler than Faramir.

"What do you mean?" Jaysen asked, pretending to be curious.

"My brother is very wise as well, though my father would not admit such. Faramir is very scholarly and intelligent. I look up to him, though I am the elder." A small smile came to Boromir's face. "I miss him very much, but I look forward to reuniting with him when we reach the White City."

"Ah, I would enjoy seeing your home as well. Is it quite the place?" Jaysen asked, bored. Minas Tirith was nothing compared to Los Angeles with its beautiful women and hot clubs that Jaysen could easily get into though he was only fifteen. Not to mention stupid high schools. Jaysen could only come on days that they had tests and pass with As.

"Oh, indeed! It is the symbol of what Gondor stands for."

"Well," Jaysen said, to quickly end the boring conversation. "I look forward to seeing such a city of men. I can only hope they are as loyal and noble as you." He gave Boromir a patronizing look before moving over to Legolas and Gimli who were bickering.

"You're stupid." Gimli said.

"You're an idiot."

"You're a dumb elf."

"You're an ugly dwarf."

"TAKE THAT BACK!"

"No." Legolas preened at his victory.

"Fine then." Gimli huffed. "Gay elf."

"I am NOT gay!"

"That's what you say."

"I'm NOT!"

"Baby steps out of the closet."

"STUPID DWARF!"

Jaysen put a hand on Legolas' shoulder. "Do not let the ugly dwarf get to you." He whispered softly before putting his hand on Gimli's shoulder. "Do not let the gay prince get to you."

The two looked at him with relief and nodded to him, obeying his advice and stopped their meaningless bickering.

Jaysen smiled to himself. Yes, it was a good thing his father, King Elrond, had suggested him for this quest. He was doing much good already. Surely he was invaluable member to this Fellowship.


	10. Lysol and Rebuttals

_At Rosabel C's request, the next chapter. I watched the Fellowship of the Ring and was watching the Moria sequence and I came up with even more ideas for this chapter. And this is where you cue evil, maniacal laughter._

A grave expression came onto Jaysen's flawless face as they entered the tomb room of Gimli's friend… cousin… whatever. He looked around at all the dead bodies and dust… and he swore he saw a cockroach scurry underneath another dead body. He shuddered at the very idea, but kept a brave face for the hobbits. Of all of them, they suffered much for their age and innocence. He wished to whisk them out of the mines and deliver them safely to the Shire, but it was not his place to take the Ring, though he would totally "pwn" if he did take it. The Ring's evil effects would not touch him for his innate goodness and kind nature, and he would be able to wield it for good.

He sighed and banished those thoughts from his mind. No, he would allow Frodo to leave with the Ring and let things there run its due course. Or he would find a way to fend off Gollum and reason with Frodo to toss the Ring into the fire. Jaysen shrugged. He'd think of a way later. But right now, he needed to focus on the current situation and aid where he could, for that was his gift. Aiding others those he was worthy of all worship.

"Ew, Gandalf, what are you doing?" Jaysen asked, repulsed by the idea the wizard was touching the yucky book.

"I am to read out of this book. What of it?" Gandalf asked meekly.

"First, let me do this." Jaysen covered his hands with his cloak and took the book. He held it in one arm and pulled out his handy bottle of Lysol and sprayed the book and pages so no one would get sick from such an appalling book. Who in their right mind would allow such grand literature to become degraded by dust and time?

"My thanks, Jaysen." Gandalf bowed his head, showing his gratitude.

"Wow, what is that stuff, Jaysen?" Merry asked, inquisitive and eager.

"Its called Lysol. Can you say that? Lie-sahl." He pronounced it loudly and slowly, so they might understand. The midgets chorused it back and he smiled at him, patting them each on the head. They truly were wonderful, weren't they?

A large crash resounded through the room as Pippin accidentally pushed the skeleton down the well. All eyes flew to Pippin who was wearing the singularly most guilty look on his face that Jaysen wished to sweep the child into his arms and comfort him, but Gandalf, his temper particularly hot that day, began to rebuke Pippin for his foolishness.

"Gandalf!" Jaysen snapped. "Leave him alone! He did not mean to cause a racket, and we shall deal accordingly with whatever comes! Do not rebuke him harshly! His guilt is enough!"

Gandalf, realizing the error in his ways, bowed to Jaysen. "My apologies."

"Do not apologize to me, ask Pippin's forgiveness!" The perfect young man's eyes were hard with expectation. Jaysen could not believe the old man's brute-like nature when it came to the midgets. Did he not see their youth and how innocent they were? He let out a long sigh. How he wished to preserve their youth for all eternity. It brought his big heart, full of such kindness and goodness, pain. And that, my friends, is a crime.

Gandalf opened his mouth to apologize, as Jaysen would have hoped, when Pippin merely grinned. "Its okay, Gandalf!" He said cheerily. "Thanks Jaysen." He whispered, looking up at his hero.

Jaysen smiled at put an arm around Pippin before he shivered. He looked down at Awesomeness and pulled his sword out of its sheath by two inches. It was glowing a bright lime green. "A troll!" He exclaimed. The others looked at him as if he was crazy, but that look on their faces quickly disappeared as they realized that it was Jaysen who was talking. Of course he was right.

"Bar the doors!" Jaysen ordered as he ran to the doors, forcing them shut as Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir used the axes lying about to bar it shut. He closed his eyes and put a hand on the dirty wood. "Lieahsfsljafds, dylasljfeyos, mnbhnxzqo." He whispered. It was an old spell he had come upon that was quite useful for locking doors and enforcing locks already in place. Hopefully it would give them more time to prepare for the battle that was obviously about to occur.

The midgets stood behind Gandalf, cowering in their fear, their swords barely gripped in their small hands because of the terror that assaulted them. Even Gandalf had a trace of fear in his eyes. Boromir simply looked ridiculous with his huge shield, and Aragorn looked like a heathen, unwashed, unshaven, with his small bow that looked like a twig with string. Legolas looked the most refined of all, but Jaysen could see with his gift of superior sight that the elf's hands were sweaty and he was breathing quickly in his fear. But Jaysen looked like a beacon of hope to all. His straight back was a testament to his strength, his powerful arms containing strength and force. Awesomeness was in his right hand and in his left was the other sword he had brought alone with him. He had named it Gangsta, to show its exotic power and he had explained that "Gangsta" in his native world mean "death to all enemies".

Jaysen braced himself for the battle, though he knew his superior skills would easily wipe out many of the goblins. He was almost afraid of the troll which both of his swords indicated was coming. Awesomeness was glowing a brighter lime green by the second, and Gangsta was shining a bright banana color. With his two swords of great power and might, he knew he was prepared.

I mean, cave troll? Pfft, he could take it by himself with one hand tied behind his back. Easily. Come on, its Jaysen we're talking about here.

_Sorry its short folks, I want to wait and have the actual battle in the next chapter, and have time to watch The Fellowship of the Ring again._


	11. The Darkness and Random Musings

_Wow, sorry about the wait. Prepare for lots of insanity._

Jaysen was thankful for the spell he had put on the door. The goblins were pounding against the wood, trying to get through, but to no avail. But with one mighty swing, the door went down and the goblins attacked. A sly, yet eternally handsome, smirk formed on his flawlessly fair face as he attacked with Awesomeness and Gangsta, the two blades swirling around his body as he sliced down the goblins, almost leaving a trail of pink and green as he made his way through the horde.

The midgets cried out as they attacked, following Jaysen in his courage. He cut down more and more Orcs as he fought his way through, trying to get to midgets' sides so that he might be assured of their survival. Their innocence would be the salvation of the world, and he was there to preserve it. He, in one fluid movement, sheathed Gangsta and Awesomeness, picked Pippin up and danced out of the reach of the goblin who had attempted to kill the midget. He gave Pippin a small smile and once again pulled his swords out and went back into the fray.

"I think I'm getting the hang of that." The fat hobbit exclaimed and Jaysen laughed merrily.

At the sound of his laughter, the entire room seemed to be filled with light. The hearts of the Fellowship that had once been filled with despair and fear were instead dripping with happiness, joy and sentiment and for a moment, the battle paused. When it resumed, the Fellowship fought back with renewed strength and their hearts sang the praises of one Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa. Indeed, their hearts made beautiful music to the beautiful young man who battled harder than the others, doing all he could to save the midgets.

"Jaysen! Aid me!" Gimli whined worriedly as the troll attempted to smoosh him like jelly and toast under its great hand.

"I shall saveth thee!" Jaysen cried passionately and ran to save his dwarven friend.

He leapt up through the air, as if an angel from another realm, a deadly warrior of unheard of skill, and sliced through the troll's arm. He laughed triumphantly and helped Gimli up, brushing off some dust on the dwarf's armor. He gave the dwarf an amiable smile before throwing himself back in the fray with an air of awesomeness unlike any other. Even Aragorn, who's skilled was famous, could not compare. Legolas came the closest, but he was so pretty and young.

Jaysen gasped and ran to Frodo's aid. He pushed his legs harder than he had ever in football, soccer, baseball, tennis, cricket, basketball, cheerleading, pickleball, racketball, track, cross-country, skiing, snowboarding, gymnastics and tumbling practice. He sprinted faster than a speeding bullet, and still remaining to look more handsome than Orlando Bloom (and here, the author snorts in a very unlady-like manner). He gave a wild cry and jumped in front of the troll's spear. His chest was hit, and he found himself sinking into oblivion.

_Jaysen opened his eyes to see only darkness. There was no light, merely the dark that weighed heavily on his spirit of light. He could almost feel the darkness and evil pressing in on him on all sides, and he lifted his arms so that he might fend off whatever enemy approached him, but he found all strength had been zapped from him. He was not utterly helpless, for he still had the strength of his mind and the force of his will. He still had Arwen's love written on his heart. The very thought of his beautiful maiden gave him hope, and he knew whatever came, he could face it. He had made her a promise to return to her so that he might marry her and make her Queen of the Elves. _

_But it was darkness all around him. He was floating in it, immersed in it, without a chance of life. There was no escape. It almost gave him a feeling of fear, but no. He did not fear the darkness. He did not fear death. He did not fear the Dead. Whatever it was that came to him, or whatever it was that he was within, he could face it with the courage of many, the bravery of a knight, the skill of a warrior, the wisdom and good looks of a prince, and the grace of a lover. No matter the power of his arm or the courage in his heart or the ability he had in all areas, he would always be a tender, loving soul, in need of the love of a woman to go on._

_The darkness destroyed all the thoughts of his many skills and abilities and to the thoughts of his youth, and the pains he had sustained. Truly, he had learned from early on to be strong. He had held his head high and turned the other cheek to the comments of how greasy his hair was, or how bug-eyed he was, or how unable he was to play even C-team football. He remembered with regret the day his first girlfriend left him. How he had thought she was the one, with her beautiful blonde hair, her noticeable breast implants… though he did not judge her for putting unnatural things in something that should remain completely natural. He only judged her for not seeing how wonderful he was. He had given her all the good things in life, and still she had rejected him. He pitied her for the amount of hurt she truly hid in her heart. Oh, how he could have healed her if he had only been given one chance. One chance, and he might have given her paradise._

_Oh well, her loss. He was with Arween, and she was his everything._

_Until, of course, he met someone with more beauty than she, though he highly doubted he ever would. That was impossible. Arwen was everything anyone could ever want, though it was only fitting she chose him, the one male with everything anyone could ever want, and neither did he judge those men with obvious lusty gazes. He only thought it was rather icky. Yes, he did like girls._

_But oh! The darkness! How wretched it was that it would contain a beautiful soul such as he! He cursed it, for it was right that the being of light would curse the being of darkness, or the darkness itself. Good always prevailed, and he was the epitome of everything that still remained as good in the world. He was everything anyone could ever want, and it was painful that he had to remain when there was a world, Middle Earth, to be precise, that needed his wonderful healing abilities. He knew they needed to be around his beauty that he might help them discover the beauty in them… well, he couldn't help Gimli or Boromir. That was asking a little too much, yes? But the midgets! How in need of him they were! They needed his loving hugs and smiles. The entire Fellowship needed him!_

_But the darkness was so containing. It held him in bonds that not even he could break them. Well, he could, but he knew that it was Eru's will that he remain there for the time being. Jaysen knew he would know when it was time to emerge from the darkness with the knowledge of what he was protecting his dear friends from, and then the Fellowship would be sure of their love for him. He deserved their love, much more than others._

_And he would return to Arwen, that much he knew. He would return to his lady and they would be married in the spring, amongst the lilies and the doves, and kittens would carry the rings in their mouths and then the rings would be washed in a basin of water purified through the fires of the elven-smiths. Yes, they would be married, but it was the honeymoon he was looking forward to. Oh, how much chastity cost him!_

And with a groan, Jaysen opened his eyes, squinting because of the light. Yes, he was alive, and all would be well in the world.


	12. Running and Jedi Mind Tricks

_Yes, yes, I'm back with more torture.. I mean, story. Yes, I'm back with more of the story. Enjoy! Oh, I stole a quote from the diaries of Cassandra Claire. Cookies go to the person who finds it! And remember, no killing of the author! Its all Jaysen's fault, really!_

So they were running. The Fellowship was sprinting at a very fast pace, and the midgets were barely keeping up. Thankfully, Jaysen had always been the star runningback of his football team. And man, did he look good running at a fast pace. He also looked good standing still. Heck, he looked good all the time! The way the wind whipped his hair, even though they were in a cave, and his lightly flushed cheeks gave his azure eyes a delighted sparkle. He had the gift to look cheerful and hopeful no matter what the circumstances. Even if they were being chased by hundreds of Orcs.

Jaysen had begged Gandalf to allow him to fight the Orcs, but the oldie had denied him his request, and out of respect for his elders, he remained with the group, keeping one arm up. The raised arm created a beam of pristine white light that kept the enemy's arrows away. Even Gandalf had to stand in awe of the goodness that emanated from Jaysen's innocent and whole being. No one knew the brokenness he had sustained, and neither did they wish to know there was pain in such a good soul.

And so, again, they were running. Orcs were chasing them, they were barely managing to stay ahead (well, Jaysen stayed behind to ensure the safety of the Fellowship), when suddenly a great roar scared all of the goblins and such away. Gimli laughed heartily, and Jaysen rolled his eyes heartily. Dwarves. But nay, he must remain respectful and loving, for that was who he was.

"What is this new devilry?" Someone asked. Jaysen forgot who.

"A Balrog." Gandalf replied.

"Of Morgoth." Jaysen added.

"You know so much!" Pippin said, admiration in his innocent, small voice.

Jaysen blushed. "You must blush more often." Legolas said softly, a friendly smile on his lips. "It is quite becoming."

_Duh!_ Jaysen could not help but think. Do not get me wrong- he did not have an ego problem. It was truth, and it was quite annoying at the repetition of such an obvious fact.

"This foe is beyond any of you… save Jaysen," Gandalf nodded towards the young man who inclined his head in masculine modesty. "RUN!" He roared, and they set off at a quick pace.

Prince Jaysen decided that running, while a favorite pastime of his, did not do his appearance justice. As his powerful legs pumped up and down like steel pistons, his hair flew back, exposing his entire forehead, as tiny beads of sweat dribbled down, making him look sexier than Andy Roddick did after playing five sets of tennis. He looked sexier than Shaun Alexander did after running sixty yards to score a touchdown. He looked sexier than Rinaldo or Beckham after scoring a game-winning goal. He looked sexier than Matthew McConaghey. In fact, Matthew McConaghey took fashion tips from him. And we all know that Jaysen is the mastermind behind Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

They ran into a cavernous place, running down some stairs as Gandalf fell backwards. He told Aragorn to lead them on.

"No, Jaysen is quick-witted, and far more worthy to lead than I." Aragorn said humbly, touching the space between his eyes in a sign of respect.

"I always knew I liked you, even though you tried to steal my girlfriend. I'll still kill you for that, but let's go!" Jaysen led the Fellowship on at a sprint, as Legolas snickered at Aragorn's face of longing as he thought of Arwen.

"Arwen never loved you." Jaysen sneered at the pathetic Aragorn.

"If she never loved me, then she despises you!" He returned calmly.

"Oh, yeah, please! I'm the one marrying her!" And how lucky he was that he would be marrying the most beautiful girl in all of Middle Earth, not to mention, they would be the hottest couple Middle Earth had ever seen.

Aragorn did not reply, and Jaysen smirked at him. He was just so jealous that Jaysen was the one whom Arwen loved.

And so they were running. And then they ran a little bit more, and then a couple more yards, another three steps… until goblins started to shoot at them again. Jaysen swore beautifully in a mixture of Quenya, Westron and Rohirric, gaining a look of awe from Boromir.

"I would teach you some," Jaysen commented. "But your father might not approve."_ And your brother would throw a fit that I didn't teach him._

Boromir let out a weary sigh as they continued to run. The rock they were running on was rough and coarse underneath the Fellowship's exhausted feet, but Jaysen flounced on, as if weightless, for he was a healthy one hundred pounds. Yes, he was in excellent health, and was in his right spot as the leader of the Fellowship.

His mind turned to things of his previous home. If he could remember right, which he ALWAYS did, then it would be homecoming soon. He let out a small sigh. He felt such pity for all the girls who wouldn't get to dance with him. He had had his suit all picked out too. A silver and hot pink duct tape suit with gold detailing and his name written in lime green on the back. His mother always did say that lime green brought out the best in all of his features. Oh yeah, it would have been awesome, but sometimes you just have to go save the world instead of dancing with hot girls that were lusting after you. Life was so hard for our poor Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa.

In the words of Justin Timberlake, he was "bringing sexy back". Yes, Jaysen did have a certain talent of bringing parties from boring to awesome. Yes... how talented he was. And spirited and charming. He was also disarming, nice, fine, happy, excited, content, beautiful, pretty, cute, handsome, hot, sexy, good, awesome, great, better, best, vivacious, bright, smart, intelligent, cool, interesting, intruiging, intrepid, reticent, quiet, exceptional and remarkable. Not to mention a really good guy.

Anyway, back to the not-as-interesting-and-awesome-as-Jaysen Fellowship. They were running across a narrow bridge after jumping across a TINY gap in some stairs and stupid Aragorn had taken so much time and effort when, clearly, Frodo knew he could make the jump on his own. Strider was so stupid. Not to mention, having so many names. How retarded was that.

When suddenly, a Balrog out of nowhere and started to roar and wave its fiery and sparkly whip around. Gandalf stood there and said some crap, before Jaysen left the Fellowship and stepped behind Gandalf.

"Gandalf, let me handle this." Jaysen said softly, putting a hand on the senile old man's shoulder.

"Alright, Jaysen. Make us proud. You always do.

"Balrog, listen to my words for I am more powerful than you, and your master. Leave us in peace! We are not the ones you're looking for." He waved his hand slightly.

"You are not the ones I'm looking for." The Balrog growled and left them, trailing behind fire and destruction in his wake, but the fire and destruction could not touch one so pure and good as Jaysen. The hero of Moria jogged back to the Fellowship and gave them his signature beautiful smile. "Well, let's go see some hot elf booty!" He said, his laughter ringing out. The Fellowship could not help but laugh as they congratulate their amazing friend. They could not believe that this wonderful person condescended to be their friend.

_The next chapter which will be up sometime this weekend. I hope. And I'm writing a new parody, attacking HP canon this time. The title is "Harry is Emo" and you should keep watch for it, if you like Harry Potter._


	13. Jaysen's so helpful

_No, an evil smile did NOT cover my face as I thought of this chapter. And I'm so sorry its taken forever, but school's murder and taking most of my attention now. But Jaysen still lives, I will not abandon this story._

The beauty of the day, as the Fellowship and Jaysen broke out into the sunlight, was only enhanced by the face of Jaysen. Verily, his violet, lime green, teal, gray, lightning yellow, peaceful baby blue, exciting hazel and intelligent silver eyes shone like the sea after a storm, like a dark room had suddenly been filled with light, like he was the carrier of all good things. For indeed he was good incarnate, on Middle Earth to bring peace and joy to all, and he was fulfilling his purpose, and healing many wounds as he did so.

Boromir missed his little brother and found another sibling in Jaysen, and his new brother so far surpassed his biological one.

Legolas was in need of guidance and found a teacher in Jaysen.

The midgets were so frightened, and found peace in Jaysen.

Gimli was looking for beauty and who else to fulfill his needs than the new standard of beauty?

Gandalf was looking for wisdom, and Jaysen was the wisest of all the fair beings.

But there was no way he could help Aragorn, who was getting so emotional about losing Arwen to the better man, and he didn't want to help the scruffy ranger man… thing.

And as it turned out, Gandalf had tripped on a pebble and had slipped into the fiery chasm that the Balrog had retreated into. But no one was sad because Jaysen was still with me, and with them he would remain for he had sworn a solemn oath and he would not be so stupid as to trip when there was Fodo's safety to think of. Not to mention Sam still needed to polish his fondue making skills, and Jaysen, as a dutiful son, had slaved away everyday to make his parents and demanding siblings their meals as they criticized him and told him how ugly he was, and how he should stop skipping class to go pay girls to have sex with him and get his grades up so he could play C-team football again. Hah, the coaches at his school didn't know ANYTHING about football.

As they stopped for a breather by a small creek, Gimli turned to Jaysen. "Do you not feel grief about Gandalf?" He asked. A voice was nagging at him. He was suspicious.

Jaysen felt his bottom lip tremble as he tried his best to hold his raging emotions in. "I do." He answered, his fine baritone voice even and clipped. "But I am remaining strong for the young ones, and they need us most now. Trifling with emotions now is an unwise move." He said reprovingly. Yes, his heart in his chest was suffering from the loss of Gandalf, but he would not let anyone see his tender heart.

"Oh." Gimli said dumbly and walked away.

"Jaysen, is it time to move on?" Aragorn asked timidly.

"Are you a bloody idiot? Heck no! They need a moment." He said decisively.

"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with Orcs."

_I could take them._ "Its about midday, dork."

Aragorn was easily silenced and Jaysen turned back to see the two stupid midgets comforting each other. Aw, how cute were they? Letting out a sigh of grief, the only sign that he was indeed suffering inside, he pulled out four cloaks, each of a shimmering pink, from his pack and draped them around the midgets. He ruffled their hair and gave them a heartwarming smile and they were sufficiently comforted until they reached Lorien, the land of the hot she-elves who would want to make a nightly visit and… yeah.

With his sharp eyes, he spotted an Orc leaving Moria, merely fifty yards from them. Calling on his raging emotions, he felt them burn behind his eyes and within a second, that Orc was sizzling on the rocks. His laser eyesight had taken care of that one.

"Oh my gosh, Jaysen!" Legolas squealed. "That was soooo cool! Like, where did you learn that?"

"Learn? Melon neen, one does not learn these things. I was born with this natural talent. I don't know how it manifested, but I was continuously teased and bullied for it. Children tried to get me to zap the boy or girl they hated, but I always refused. School is no place for hate, and I believe in peace!"

With a grin that melted the hearts of the Fellowship, Jaysen posed with the peace sign, as if waiting for a camera to flash.

"You make us happy, sir, if you follow me." The fat midget said sheepishly.

"Oh, thank you very much, little one!" Jaysen gushed and patted the hobbit on the head. "Here, your cloak is slipping down. Really, what do they supply you with in Rivendell? A primitive place, I cannot wait until I am king. I shall make many changes." He said firmly with a nod.

"You'll be a great king!" Mary piped up.

"Yeah!"

"Really?" Jaysen looked down at his perfectly polished black low-top converse shoes bashfully.

"Of course!" Legolas gushed. "You shall be the wisest leader Middle Earth has ever known, and no matter if you have authority in a place, they'll listen to you because you're smart and stuff and know geography and you're wise and you're probably the best looking guy in all of Arda!"

Murmurs of agreement came from the other members of the Fellowship.

Jaysen dabbed at his eye and gave them a deliciously adorable watery smile. "Thank you, my friends." He took a deep breath to compose himself. "Now, let us head to Lorien and rest for the night. We are all exhausted," _Except me._ "And surely the Lady has things she must say to all of us for the peace of our hearts, which shall lead to the destruction or the survival and triumph of the Ring."

"Really?" Fodo asked.

"Yes, really, Fodo. If we do not listen to her wise advice, then all will fail. And why wouldn't we listen to her? She's hot!" He thought about it for a moment. "Actually, I take that back, she's really old and creepy. No one cares about her anyway. And her poor husband. Their relationship is great… for her. I think he could do a little better, but he could never get my girl, she's the finest."

Gimli nodded and Jaysen felt his boyfriend instincts rise up in him, but he quelled them. He could not stop other men from admiring his hot girlfriend, but he knew she would always be faithful to him because a girl would be stupid not to remain faithful to one as hot as he. And what Arwen didn't know about wouldn't hurt her. And she would never blame him for acting on urges or impulses during such a dangerous quest. Eru knew he could hardly take a night without her, and they'd only been gone a couple days.

By the time his lengthy and important thoughts faded away to bring his attention to the present, Jaysen observed smartly that they were entering the woods of Lorien. They were pretty, he supposed. Tall trees, nice lighting… it was pretty nice. Could be worse. He hadn't seen any hot girls yet. The awesomeness of this place remained to be seen.

And then Gimli had to be stupid and get arrows jabbed into the faces. "Yo, Haldir!" Jaysen yelled. "Get your men to stand down, gosh, you idiot! Just let us in, dangit, or I'll kill you." He said menacingly and Haldir could do nothing but comply in his great fear and tremulousness.


	14. Bath Time!

_Okay, I felt bad about all the torture in the last chapter so I decided to just give you some comic relief. I present a day in the life of Jaysen… in Lothlorien. This will skip what I'm going to write in the next chapter, but Cowgirl4Christ made me realize that I was writing too much of a Mary Sue and then this little idea popped into my head. –gives cookies to Cowgirl4Christ- _

Jaysen woke up with a yawn and stretched his lithe body. He jumped to his feet and started to skip down the pathway. Yes, skip. Now, most manly men didn't skip often, because it would make people wonder about them, but Jaysen was so manly that it worked for him. His silky, shiny and shimmering hair flew in the metaphorical wind as he skipped and with every turn of his head, girls fell over with non-fatal heart attacks at his beauty. Again, most manly men weren't beautiful. But Jaysen was. So there.

From his pack, he had taken a blue box of Rainbow colored Nerds and his handy dandy notebook. Okay, not really. He had taken his handy dandy bag of bath accessories. His muscles were aching, and that was a sign he needed a long, luxurious bath with lavender and country apple bath salts. He was tired of always being on the road and his hair being dirty every day they woke up (though it still managed to look fantastic) and going without a bath (though he still smelled better than Aragorn) and not having good food because let's face it, Sam wasn't that good of a cook. Jaysen could only wonder HOW many times the fat midget used to eat a day to get those many pounds on his body.

Well, the Quest would do him good; get his legs moving and simply melt those pounds off. And one, and two, and five, six, seven, eight!

He found himself at the bank of a beautiful river and let out a sigh as he saw it was empty and there was no sign of life. He didn't want to bathe when there were prying eyes. Modesty was the key on the life of Jaysen Michael Chandler Harry Joseph O'Sullivan Santa. He let out a sigh of relief as he pulled his skin-tight white t-shirt off and tossed it onto the ground. Now only clad in his green cargo shorts, black converse shoes and black underarmor, he kicked his shoes off and lowered himself into the pool of cool water. He let out a happy laugh and doused his head with shampoo, feeling so happy to FINALLY have a bath. Granted, he had a unique body chemistry that caused him to literally sweat soap and water, keeping him clean, but still. There was nothing like a bath in cool water with all of the best of shampoos, conditioners, bath salts and bubbles. Oh yes, he had poured in lavender bubble bath as well.

What? Lavender bubble bath relieved stress! Though Jaysen hardly had any stress, since being a leader and naturally awesome was just… well, his thing!

Dipping his head back into the cool, crisp, clear water, he started to rub his head with various shampoos and soaps that only made the soft, sleek locks even shinier. He relaxed against a slick rock covered with some sort of slime that was working wonders to his already perfect skin. He discreetly scooped some of the slim into a conveniently empty jar that happened to be right there on the bank for later usage. Meaning he'd be putting it onto Aragorn's face within a week of their departure.

After a full minute of letting the active fruit ingredients embed themselves into the roots and strands of his flawlessly perfect hair, Jaysen ducked into the water to get it all out of his dark and now wet curls. He burst out into the air, sucking in a large breath and laughed out loud. Even the grass seemed to glow from hearing his laughter for his joy emanated. It didn't just radiate; it emanated.

After getting all the shampoo out, he started with the conditioners. The first layer was one that had to stay on for a full minute. He waited thirty seconds, and then added the second layer that didn't last for as long, but it applied quicker, so he waited another thirty seconds and then washed both of them out. He used three different kinds of soap (one bar was a traditional white color, the next was a baby blue and the third was a hot pink) to get all of the grimy ick from his skin and to add a soft earthy smell to his skin, one that wasn't accompanied by the actual dirt. Because dirt just ruined his masculine image.

Pulling himself out of the river, he pulled on his fluffy pink bathrobe and set to painting his nails (both sets, finger and toe nails) with an herbal green tea formula that the beautiful ladies of Lorien had presented him with. Apparently the elves used it to make sure that dirt and other icky stuff didn't get under your nails, and that your nails grew shorter so you didn't have to deal with them all the time during your journey. An ingenious idea. Too bad he had already made some himself.

Picking up the last bottle, he poured a large amount into his palm and ran his fingers with the blue substance through his hair. No, it wasn't gel; his curls stayed put naturally. It was a leave-in conditioner because no one's hair was perfect enough to reflect the sun all the time. Okay, that was a lie. He had the leave-in conditioner because it smelled really pretty, like his spacious jungle backyard in Kenya after a rainstorm.

He put on his Power Rangers pajamas, wandered back to the Fellowship's campsite in the Lorien woods (he had declined being given a room to accommodate his beauty) and promptly fell asleep in his Superman sleeping bag.


	15. Of Manly Awesomeness

_Forgive me for the LONG, LONG delay. Life's been hectic and I hit a bit of writer's block until I decided to just go for it. The Fellowship and Jaysen are in Lorien. I feel bad for the elves there._

Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa bathed in the starlight. Indeed, his skin was rather strange, for lack of a better term. His skin was so delicate it would tan in the starlight, yet his beautiful complexion did not burn in the harsh sunlight. He smiled as he turned onto his stomach. He could not help be happy. Here, in Lorien, his beauty shone. Not literally, but it was almost there. He pushed himself to his feet and stretched like a cat. He, bare feet and all, jumped into the nearby river, discarding his shirt in midjump, and entered the water like an otter, without a splash.

Jaysen surfaced and then swam to shore, only to find Boromir standing there. "Oh, uh, hey Bori." He greeted him with a friendly smile. He was a totally friendly guy, and even though the creepy dude from Gondor who was lusting over the Ring more than Jaysen lusted after Arwen was standing right there, he would still be friendly.

"Um, hello, Jaysen." He was hesitant.

"You okay, man?" Jaysen asked, letting seven little birds bring him a fluffy towel and dry him off before giving him his shirt. He pulled his shirt over his head and then faced the man of Gondor.

"No, I'm not. The Ring calls for me." Boromir admitted, running a hand through his dark auburn hair.

"Then resist it. You're better than that." _Not._ "Just remember, it's not going to give you everything you want. It'll just screw with your head." He shrugged.

"Do you ever get tempted by it?" Boromir asked, his hands shaking.

Jaysen smiled, laughing lightly. He clapped a hand on the man's shoulder. "Boromir, do you know me at all? No, the Ring does not tempt me. There is nothing more that I want; I'm basically content, I guess." He shrugged. "I've got Arwen and she's everything I want, basically. So I guess you don't have everything you want." He sighed. "I feel bad for you man. You got a girl?"

"No, I have been too busy." Bori said. "Women aren't after me, they are just after my power."

"Hah, don't worry. When we get to Gondor, I'll get them off of your back." Jaysen was not lying. He would charm all of the ladies in Gondor and then leave one for Boromir and make him fall in love with her. Yeah, that would totally work.

That is, if he let Boromir live.

Jaysen looked at the pitiful face of the man. Naaaah.

Aragorn then arrived, having just taken a bath. Jaysen took a deep breath of air. YES! THE LORIEN ELVES HAD DONE IT! They had provided the Ranger-wannabe-King with enough soap and shampoo that all of the smell and grease was gone. Oh, darn, now Jaysen would have a little bit of competition in the Arwen department. That is, if Aragorn remained clean and scrubbed up and wearing that black tunic that focused on his flabby muscles. The longer sleeves concealed the fat that Jaysen was sure that was on there.

Yeah, like Aragorn would ever be competition.

Jaysen grinned to himself. Yeah, Arwen would still be his and then he'd take the throne of Rivendell. Oh yeah. He'd be King of Rivendell with Arwen at his side and he would use his awesome goodness to cleanse the world of Sauron's evil. Then they would lower taxes and introduce folk dancing, and push for a four-day work week. Yes, he would be the greatest king of all time. And with the fact he was immortal (Elrond's long lost elven son, remember?), he would be the greatest king forever! The people of Rivendell were so lucky to have him as prince.

Aragorn turned to him. "How has your stay been, Jaysen?" He asked politely and meekly.

"Oh, pretty good, I guess. Been missing Arwen though." He gave himself a mental pat on the back for the look of agony on Aragorn's face. "Sure she misses you a bit too, after she misses me a whole bunch." He teased the guy and patted him on the back. Maybe Aragorn would manage to find some poor girl who was emotionally unstable to be his consolation prize because he sure as heck wasn't getting Arwen ever again. The guy didn't know how to treat a lady, for gosh's sake!

"Yes, for I feel the same way." Aragorn replied in a depressed tone.

"Woah, dude. Seriously." Jaysen shook his head. "Speak English and don't go all Shakespeare on me, a'ight?" He kicked into ghetto mode, reminiscent of the days when he rolled with his gangsters.

"My apologies." Aragorn bowed his head, the meek little warrior he was. Jaysen couldn't have been prouded.

PSYCH!

Jaysen rolled his eyes and touched his dark, messy (and yet sexy) riot of black curls that bounced at the base of his neck and added a silvery pink streak, just for the added awesomeness. Boromir and Aragorn looked on in awe at the magical powers and sorcery skills of their young friend who didn't seem so young at the moment. He could perform better feats of magic than Gandalf. In fact, Gandalf was an amateur when compared with the incomparable Jaysen Michael Harry Chandler Joseph O'Sullivan Santa. You couldn't even really compare anyone to him because he was, as stated above, incomparable.

"Wow, how do you do it?" Boromir asked, his voice betraying his awesome… awe.

"It is a skill I was born with. I can change my hair color at any given moment. People used to scorn me for my powers!" Jaysen cried in anguish, and instead of appearing weak in front of these two warriors, he could not have seemed any stronger for it is a true man who can admit his feelings and hurts in front of others.

"Truly? Why would anyone be so cruel to one so amazing?" Aragorn gasped.

"I don't know!" A tear trickled down Jaysen's perfect, shapely cheeks, but he wiped it away lest anyone see how much pain he was actually in. "They were always jealous of me because I could walk on snow, and I was the best at football and soccer and softball and baseball and kickball and basketball and volleyball and tennis and cricket and every other freakin' sport! No one understood me there, and I wished to be in another place, though to go to a different place would be to deprive my former place of my immeasurable wisdom and intelligence and skills!"

"You speak truth!" Boromir interjected. "You are mightily skilled and I, for one, am honored to call you my friend!" He cried passionately and hugged the younger man with force.

Jaysen embraced him, his tears overflowing, and Aragorn put his hands on Jaysen's shoulders in an attempt to comfort him. The three men stood there in the epitome of manly awesomeness. Not that the other two had anything to do with it. JAYSEN was the epitome of manliness and awesomeness and manly awesomeness. The other two were just there.


	16. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

**Okay, so I reread part of this story and laughed. I had to update. It may be a little weird, but let's just grin and bear it, shall we?**

Jaysen Michael Chandler Harry What'shisface had a solemn, though absolutely perfect look on his face as he woke up one morning, and realized they were to leave Lothlorien. They had only been there for a couple days, and he would dearly miss the place, and it's inhabitants. They loved him, and he loved them, and it was a wonderful group dynamic. It was wonderful being around people who were almost as beautiful as him. Okay, who was he kidding? No one was almost as beautiful as he. Perhaps it was a prideful though, but Jaysen made pride look cool.

He led the Fellowship from their tents on the grass (he, of course, had been given a swanky room, but had declined, since his friends would be out on the cold, hard ground) to where the Lady Galadriel waited for them with her elves. He, of course, looked perfect. His clothes, a shimmering magenta set of robes with matching brown converse, accentuated every masculine line he had on his body. And there seemed to be a rare wind blowing at him, causing his robes to push against his rock hard abs and make them look exceptionally sexy. Because he was, you know.

Anyway, he looked upon his friends with pride, knowing they well-deserved their gifts. Except for maybe Boromir and Legolas, since Boromir was weak and Legolas was girly, but he could forgive him. He smiled at Galadriel when she approached him and placed a cool hand against his cheek. Personally, he was appalled. Her husband was right there, and everyone knew he and Arwen were pretty much married as it was, and it was kind of icky. She looked old and gross to him, and she was COMING ONTO HIM. OH NO.

"Ah, Jaysen," She smiled. "How can one gift such beauty? I have nothing to give to one such as you."

Jaysen grinned, his sexiness gleaming. "Then allow me to lead my friends with your blessing. I have no need for gifts, and I could never accept a gift from a lady such as you." Yeah, an ugly lady, he thought to himself. But he didn't say it outloud. He had discretion.

"You have my blessing, and my love. Return to us, Jaysen. Our wood is empty and cold without your warmth to fill it. You are a rare jewel. Arwen shall treasure you to the end of the world." Galadriel looked upon him with the same admiration as the rest of the word.

Jaysen bowed to her, and turned around. The Fellowship had left to the boats already, and they were waiting for him. They all smiled (except jealous Aragorn, of course) at his arrival, and he settled himself into the boat provided for him. He was just so happy he didn't have to share. The hobbits were adorable, but Gimli was gross, Aragorn was himself, and Boromir was just creepy. You never knew when such a woman-hater dude would just molest a guy. 'Cause Boromir would so do that. Yeah. (As the authoress wishes to kill herself at such a statement.)

They paddled down the river. Then they paddled some more. River, river, river. Such a stupid thing. Jaysen was bored in minutes. They should be fighting a glorious battle against the Orcs he could already smell. He was almost afraid that the smell would mess up appearance, but then he remembered that that wasn't possible. Then he calmed down. But he still wanted to fight. He wanted to draw Awesomeness and Gangsta and do some serious damage. He was going to bring some serious pain down onto his foes, and they'd all die knowing his name. Not that they didn't know his name already, because he'd read Saruman's mind and knew he'd told all of his Orcs and goblins about him.

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream!" He suddenly launched into song, his beautiful voice lifting the mood of the boating party. "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!"

"What a beautiful song, Jaysen!" Legolas lifted his voice to praise the young man. "You have an amazing voice that I envy."

As you well should, Jaysen thought.

†††

Legolas shook his head suddenly, and coughed gently. Aragorn looked up in concern. The blonde elf arched his eyebrow slightly as he met his friend's eyes. He subtly directed his boat closer to Aragorn's. He certainly felt strange. As an elf, he was not used to feeling strange. He did not get ill, so that wasn't even something that descended upon his mind. He was not injured. All things considered, he knew he should be feeling better, but he didn't. Perhaps he simply missed his kin? No. He was doing his best to keep faith that he would see them again, and he would see his father and brothers again. He attempted a mental smile (for elves don't smile or grin).

"What ails you?" Aragorn spoke in Sindarin, but with the dialect of the natives of Greenwood, so Jaysen would not overhear. Obviously, he only knew the formal Sindarin, which was commonly used.

"I know not, Estel." Legolas sighed, turning his face into the breeze. "I have been feeling very strange, and I cannot pinpoint the cause. Do you have any ideas?' He averted his gaze to the water, letting out a heavy sigh. He was feeling very troubled, not including his fear of going into battle with the Orcs he could sense nearby.

"I have been feeling the same, my friend." Aragorn suddenly looked far older than his age, and Legolas was worried for him. "I have noticed Jaysen to become a pestilence, and he has infected all he has met. Even the Lady Galadriel. He has infected the entirety of Lothlorien. I am worried."

"As am I." Legolas offered the Man a small smile. "All will be well, my friend. Frodo knows what he must do, and every story ends well. You shall be King, and all will be well. I promise you."

Aragorn smiled, heartened by his words.

But suddenly a strange trance came over both of them as Jaysen sang, teaching the hobbits, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

It didn't even occur to them how annoying the song was after the fiftieth time.

†††

They landed on the shore several hours before sundown, due to Jaysen's wise wisdom and advice. The hobbits did need their rest, and Jaysen wanted to prepare an awesome dinner for them. A forest salad. Gimli wouldn't be touching it in the preparations; Jaysen was sure of the fact that Gimli could burn a salad. And even in his intelligence, he didn't even know how that would work.

"Aragorn!" Jaysen suddenly dropped his sterling silver fork. "I can sense something." The hobbits looked up, and everyone was worried.

"What is it?" Jaysen knew Aragorn was filled with terror; it was in his eyes.

"Orcs." He announced and drew both of his swords. "I shall meet them in battle."

"But you shall certainly be killed!" Pippin burst into tears, Merry following him. Sam was doing his best not to cry, and Frodo's tears were sliding down his doll-like face.

"Worry not for me, but promise me one thing." Jaysen cupped the hobbit's face in one hand.

"Anything!" Pippin sobbed.

"Sing me a prayer when I am gone. And know that I loved you all. Give my love to Arwen." His stomach turned at the thought of never seeing her sexiness again.

But then he remembered he was a Gary-Stu, and he couldn't die. Awesome! Maybe he'd get to go straight to her. That would be awesome. He wondered if she'd dyed her hair red, which would be a hot color on her…


End file.
